(untitled) more toilet paper... please excuse, it's unedited.

Who can I be
who do I hope to see
what will I find
some piece of my mind
fractions of what once was
excuses of 'because'
why why
no answers are found
my "used to be's"
lay barren on the ground
can't you see
it's all my "once was me's"
it's who I want
who I am
Sister-mother-lover-friend
life is gone
gone
and why
the tears come out dry
it's like my soul
knows what I've done
sees the good in me
is gone
and why
can't I stand alone
two feet down
and empty hands
heart open
eyes shut wide
this emptiness I
can't abide
why
do I settle
for something less
always
knowing I've missed
the rest
forever
answering to others
sister-friend-lover-mother
Mother
why
deep inside
soul-hole
bleeding for respite
never whole
why can't I
stand whole

Shadow of hue

In the dark
you seem almost real
almost whole

Skin silhouetted
against the moon glow

Soft and sweet
the smell of you
Sinking into me like
the soothing warmth

of sunshine

Almost healing my wounds
almost touching my
dark places
where no-one cares to go

And I find those salty
reminders
of who you are
threatening to fall from the
corners of your
Beautiful eyes
and my soul aches

Wanting so badly to make you whole
to make your soul shine
to lick those tears from your heart

But

I know I am nothing to you
that I am so much smaller
than the ring you quietly
slipped from your finger
hoping I wouldn't notice

And I knew then
my true smallness
I could then feel your wholeness
as you lay
Soul bared
in the darkeness of our moment

With your life
vibrating beneath my fingertips
Telling your whole story

Whispering it to my soul...

Word wars

We try to scream our pain away
hoping to someday
play
like adults
big kids
minus the big words
loud words
words like arrows
we shoot haphazardly
at one another
praying for a mark

praying for a miss

and I drive away
trying to scream this pain away

Artificial Life

You're not real

like me

with your sweet fake smiles
and false hello's
the way you stare
as if you expect me
to go Loco again
Scream, Smash, Slash

And I never even touched one of you
or toyed with any of your precious 'validators'

I knew I could never touch
you
with my words
they would be gravel
ground up by your heels
as they come from my heart
through my mouth

with your footprints brightly
tattooed on my bloody tongue -
your cold warming hugs
would squeeze the okayness out of me
cutting off my real air
my life-lines
all the things that make me real

I picture you
snake-like
slithering
up
up
up to my mind
where you hope to find
something dark and disturbing
to condemn me for
you need your judgements of me
to try to make yourself more real
to make me less real
to make me less
to make me
real like you.

To "Unbe" me

Doesn’t matter
That I feel
That I breathe
That somehow I am human
Thinking
Seeing
Touching nothing

Who are you
To lessen me
Vocally
Like I am not there
To feel it
Hear it
Know what is
Playing inside your head

Those words
Lack of
And I sit and wait
For a pulse
To follow along to
To hum in tune with
To feel on my skin

And so I fade out
Blending into the wall
Wishing I could disappear
Redo it all
Make it all unknown

Somehow ‘unbe’ me

The Day I Drowned

I slowly drift

floating back and forth

on the waves of your forever

I welcome the drowning

salt-water burning my lungs

with the tears staining your shore

and your hands become seaweed

luring me

holding me under

watching me struggle for air.

I am now a true part of it -

the sea

and the beautiful life in the reefs.

Den of Iniquity

Misrepresented dreams
unfulfilled hopes
desires
unexpected encounters
lost cities of gold
forbidden prayers to
an unsuspecting God.
Sparkles of light in eyes
not meant for you to see
softness
beyond belief
sins of the heart
the lions den
being eaten alive
over and over
not caring about the pain
just wishing for the
fulfillment of
secret longings
Samson on Delilah’s lap
trusting her caresses
as her lust removes his strengths.
His arms could not
hold her down
long enough
to tame her.

Waiting

I think I've spent half my life
waiting on this train
slowly walking the tracks
shielding my eyes
from the blinding
glare of the burning sun -
so afraid
I would miss this ride
to where?
I never knew.
At times I thought I did
but I was always wrong
I was always on the wrong track
-waiting at the wrong terminal
while my ride went somewhere else
showing tourists sights to passengers
that weren't me
They hadn't a clue I actually cared
about the sights they were seeing -
While they covered their eyes in boredom
I was sitting waiting for this train
covering my own eyes -
from the blinding sun...

Who

There is this sinking something
deep inside of me
always holding back
the who I want to be
constant changes
rearranges
it never fails
as I always fail
Flail
still ever sinking
drowning in my doubts
feeling empty
without

and it's all a part of the who
that I've become
the who
I don't know
don't want to know anymore
need to move forward

but the boxes of my who
are forever blocking the door...

Something blue...

It isn't right
what I feel inside
Can't make this pain
Go away
Hurts so deep
Can't let go
So the tears
Just seem
to overflow

Why couldn't it be me
And my life
Why couldn't it have
Been alright
Who will stop this shaking
In my soul
Who will remind me
That I can be whole

Why did you have to look at me
Feel my needs
Go inside
Too deep in me
Rip away
What I wrapped up tight
then you had to see me
Every night

And I can't let go
I have to know
Will it grow
To something new
Something true
Or will it stay
Something blue...

Exit Wounds

I will find a way
to say good-bye
that doesn't leave you
wondering, wandering
as if it were all your fault
I will not leave you
to own
what is mine
what has always
been mine
the bigness
of what was wrong
with me
always my fatal flaw
the thing in me
that kept me
friendless
empty
and eternally 'home'less
I loved you always
you know
it was me that I hated
me I planned and plotted
against
That darkness in me
that no-one ever tried to lighten
It is the me
that I owned.

(untitled)

You say the wall you built against me is broken
and there are all these things still left unspoken
But, I know you
You'll just leave me once again choking
on all the pieces of me you've carelessly broken...

Just walked away -

I can't believe
it's so easy to let it go

How you never fought
to keep it so

And you claim to love
what I have inside

But you show
what you cannot hide

In your want to leave
to go and be free

(You took it all from me)

When nothing is left
except a hole
Where my heart used to be

True kin

My other
Skin of my skin

Brother
Mother
Sister
Son

My Sun
Healing heart

Soothing
Salving
Singing

Song of my soul
Music of the muse

Whispering
Breathing
Exhaling

Words
Rhythms
Rhymes

Canvas Redressed

One long look
and there's nothing left to see
broken pieces
of a forever part of me
painted over masterpiece
of who I once was
brush strokes covering
my once known cause
and I struggled on
in spite of it
trying to see
if I could make it all fit
scared to uncover
discover
life on my own
forever hearing
critiques from the "artist unknown".

Sleep it off

Green green eyes
hiding
behind
Panes and Pains

Soft hands
touching
Feels like rain

Deep deep wounds
will nothing heal
trying to convince myself
That none of this is real

Sweet smell
of showered skin
trying to find what was once
My Kin

Sleep sleep it off
maybe it's a dream
maybe it's not all
As bad as it seems...

Broken

Nothing fills this gaping hole inside my soul
And you would think something would
Something real
Something unreal

It all fades
As quickly as a buzz
And no-one is there at the end of the day
Wondering what goes through
"that pretty little head of yours"
No-one stares
Into my eyes
The fear of the emptiness
Creates diversions

They can't face it
I don't either

I just fall into that gaping madness
Quietly
Not wanting to fight.

Broken Mirror

Standing at the crossroads
Which way do you go
Follow the only light
With the dark red glow
So many hands
Reaching out for me
Trying to pull my life
Gonna make me free
Empty words
Promises galore
Sought it all
Bought it all
Seeking more
You're not the king
In my fucked up little world
I'm not the perfect beauty
Your ideal girl
Who knows where I'll be
Ten years from now
Still be a mule
Pulling the governments plow
You whisper your secrets
As if I don't already know
And I wake up screaming
In the light of the dark red glow.

Invisibility

...and somehow if I could manage it
I would be small
Smaller
Smallest

Leaking into the cracks
Small that I am

Invisible
As unknown as I am known now

Totally uneventful

My life.

His Song

There's that song you played
I thought I knew
You
Humming
Singing

Or something

It woke me up
With this smile - it seemed
Inside

Not noticing the heartache
You have
I gave
To you

And now come my "sorry's"
My own inside outside - looking in
And I am sorry

To you
For you
For us

For the loss of all of the
What-might-have-beens

I have done the "done is done"
To you
And all of us

And here is my sorrow

I watched your soft hands play
The next morning

Not knowing
It was a song meant to expel me

To lose me

To vent me out

I didn't know
I am sorry
I interrupted

Your rhythm
Your rhyme
My expulsion

And for some reason today

I loved you a lot
Deeply
Warmly
Sincerely

And I didn't know

I was already gone
Becoming a faded "who was that"
In your minds eye
In your heart

I wish I could write it off as
Me
Stupid

But
I can't

It's just me - like you said
Who I am
Nothing good
Empty liar

I wish for good

I was warm today I thought
Couldn't seem to get close enough
To you
Touch you enough
As if my hands are invisible now

Stingers
Nothing

And you're never my good poetry
My sweet things
Which
I never write anyway
It seems

But - today you are
Were
Are

It felt so free to be with you today
So... much like
Home
A homeness

Now a homeless emptiness
That I guess I wasn't truly
Prepared for

But deserved all the same

Poor me

I'll cry myself a river later
Today I'll drown in the lake
Of our today

It was nice
Floating
With the sun
And breeze

I don't mind drowning
In that small memory

Maybe it will create more
Like air bubbles escaping
In my last breath of it

More little ones will surface
Just in time
For me to realize I have
Done it

Done is done
I've drown in it
Completely

Until there is nothing
Left to breathe

I close my eyes
And kiss that soft warm spot
On the back of your neck

And quietly
Drift...

I love you.

My Lia

Your little angel wings
plucked away
by my own hands
and I fought
I thought
so hard against
that very thing

That I so selfishly
wrought
against you

Would I think
that it would change
your smile
your laughter

Your thoughts
Dreams

Is it truly
all about me
is it you
I see

My sweet being
who I helped create
and now I change your heart

Thinking
I am doing what is best

Am I
Will I
Could I

If you really are what
is dearest to me
Not me
You

Would I allow
any other force
to hand you over
to such a potential state
of loss...

I would
tear away my own
heart
at the thought

As you are my world
And in it
We find eachother
For hope.

Felo-de-se

This little girl
hides inside herself
praying the wounds will heal
locking her heart in a box
high up on a shelf.

A secret key to the lock
- the key did not belong to them.
Now her soul is opened wide,
forcefully exposed
with no asylum.

This little girl's
wounds open again
upon her wrists
a fine red line
between her reality
and her insanity.

This little girl
so afraid to fly
with wings clipped
by mankind.
She will never again soar
like the others.

This little girl
retreats to a dark corner
crying silently - afraid of it all
what's inside - a painful disease
too familiar with the pain.

This little girl
slowly rocking back and forth
clutching her small knees
up to her chest -
hoping the pain will
bleed itself away.

This little girl
whose life flows out
onto the floor
begs to hear
the whispered apologies
of so many yesterdays.