I don’t know you

Like I want to

Deep in your thoughts

Wanting to see

Me

From your view

And it never comes

Even

When I ask it to

Those words

Thoughts

Reflections

That can give me some clue

To the me deep in you

 

2/23/16

Nowhere

Just sitting on the inside

Nowhere is here

Lost and wondering

Deep in this hole

Seeking solace

From a kindred soul

Speaking to the deaf

Seen by the blind

Nowhere is here

And I wonder

Wander

Yet

Cold and alone

 

 

2/23/16

I'll Let it Lie

I feel I've dwelt in this place
for far too long
Felt these tears coming on

And yet it haunts me
and how I want to be
a part of it
So deep is the need

So I shall sleep
and let it lie
for holding on
Leaves ghosts that will not die

I'll let it lie...


2/12/16

This is all I have -
This box
         that is useless      
To really tell you all of the things
I long to say
And it is empty
                Lonely here
With no voice, no words, no warmth
This is all I have...

Echo of A Kiss

Will you let me live again
in the echo of your kiss

Can we just linger there
on the edge of bliss

Shall we dance around
this thing that is now more than a wish

If we continue on
it will be so much better than this

There is nothing more painful than to live
in the echo of your kiss



2/12/16

Thoughts of you Destroy Me

I just want to touch your skin

                Feel your breath on my neck

                                Your pulse rising and body shaking

I just want to feel you

                Beneath me

                                Lost and longing for release

                Begging me to let you…

I just want to taste the salt on your flesh

                Urging me to lick those places

                                That make your reality blur

                Making me want you even more

                                Wanting to drown in the

                                Passionate waves of your being

I just want to

                Absorb you into me

                                Deeply & completely

                Until I am lost and

 

Begging you to find me…

I miss you more in the dark...

At night, alone in the dark
you wander into my mind
    soft & warm
heating me from the inside out
    filling the dream
        with reality
At night, alone in the dark with you
    I can imagine
something electric & alive
sending shocks through my system
    with every move
touching those places
    so in tune with your own needs
Making me want to
    scream, sigh, cry
Making me melt deeper
    into you...
at night... alone in the dark


2/9/2016

Can you feel it

That hum of need

Vibrating up through every nerve

Needing

Wanting

Aching

Longing

To be stilled…

By your touch

Your breath on my skin

Kisses warm and slow

Hands gripping, caressing…

Needing

Wanting

Aching

Longing

To be filled…

 

 

2/8/2016

Sympatico

It's storming
inside
outside
rain falling
like hard won tears
beating a rhythm
like a lover's heart
seeping into the slits
of my tired spirit
and I yearn
for lightening
in my life
a flash of light
a hint
a dance
to the thunder
pounding
in my soul

He, who is quiet
humble among those who are not
softly he moves
caring
wanting to heal
himself
others

He is full of self-doubt
questioning his
goodness
rightness
humility
calling it false

but it is not -
he is a good man
confused by his own demons
as they crawl upon his back

He will make things better
for those who have no clue
he cares
quietly
as the salt dries upon his cheek
for all he cannot do -

You can’t save

the ones that don’t want saving

Life raft floating

Inches from her face

The pull of the undertow

Much too powerful to take

And she cries

Out into the darkness

Seeking no advice

Praying for release

Going deeper into the blue

Wanting no more

Floating away

Into the blackness of space

 

You cannot

Save

Them all

i dont have time for you
words
words stuck in my throat
choking my thoughts
choked by my rush
to complete
fulfill
those duties
left hanging
at the end of the day
yet
you linger there
waiting to be written
longing to flow
as always
you have
been a part of me
ink in my blood

but
i do not have time for you
words
go away
linger somewhere else
out of my mind
my sight

my therapy will have to wait

Life Support

My heart aches for you, tattered, shattered

Beyond words, as I can do nothing to save you

Heal you

Wounds open, with no cure, no relief for the pain

And I scream, stream tears, shedding over and over

At the thoughts of all I cannot do

To erase the presence of this horrifying monster that has stolen your life

Forever

My words are just empty letters, falling onto a page

For no words could ever encompass this deep tragedy

And you

Innocent – stand by, lost, wandering, already covered over in grief

Not even knowing how to swallow the bitterness of what is happening

Has happened

Not knowing if you even can… or want to…

I am so sorry, to the core of my soul - I truly ache with your agony

As one who can do nothing to free you from the realities of this harsh and brutal journey you must face

I love you so much my friend, as if always you were somehow sister to me

In another life, another time – connected

And always

I am here – arms out… heart out… these are all I have

My words just will not do…

~To Annette... for Dear Piers, he has not left you alone... I love you my dear friend. 

Pseudo-Family Gatherings

 

You know you’ve never fit in

It’s something you’ve always known

Something you can’t escape

Smile as you talk talk talk

And they stare

Continuously

As if you have grown a second head

Flesh covered Gargoyle roosting among the “normies”

They shudder when you speak, you know…

Your ignorance crawling over them like bugs in their beds

Merely tolerating the sounds that vomit out of your mouth

Because one of theirs just so happened to have taken you to be his wedded bliss

Tolerant lot

They truly do not see anything intelligent rolling about in that bobbing mass of yours

Not so much as those wonderful scholarly opinions earned upon the high horses of their histories

And yet you dredge through their presence

As if you belong there

When you know you don’t

Never have

With anyone

Holiday Twist

twisted & torn
scarred since the day you were born
you never knew which way was up
cuz you've only ever been down
filled the gaps up with a lie
smiling while wishing you would die
suicide
that's been your only friend
been fighting it, playing pretend
you know you'll lose in the end
because
you're twisted & torn
nothing good left inside
all the best of you has died
gets harder every day
cry while others pray
bleeding out into the night
should have died as a kid from the fright
go away
no strength left in you
you let life beat you black & blue
thought you had the right
to stand up & fight
there was nothing new
inside the darkness grew

Failing Savior

You can’t save

The ones that don’t want saving

Life raft floating

Inches from her face

The pull of the undertow

Much too powerful to take

And she cries

Out into the darkness

Seeking no advice

Praying for release

Going deeper into the blue

Wanting no more

Floating away

Into the blackness of space

 

You cannot

Save

Them all

Leap

tight wire
under fire
rhythm gently
beating in your brain
like
a song of death
as it sings
like a siren
coaxing
lulling
pulling
leading to the edge
of unawareness
of unworthiness
feet tipping forward
on that tight wire
so unbalanced
harmony lost
purpose moot
if there were a purpose at all
tight wire
breaks
relief
   free-fall

Intentions they call them

Intentions

They call them

Those thoughts that crawl

Into the dark corners of your mind

Curling up into comfortable contemplations

That keep you company among the blue

Your goal for infinity

Ending

Blackness done

As the worms struggle to reach the surface

Knowing life below is through

Intentions

Who gets to draw the line

Mark the chart

Between intention and thought

If you hide it well

Deeper even

Than their pen can drag across the page

Red Goddess

you were the muse
that would change the world

making the song
skip beats
to a tune melancholic
and bold

feet dancing
toe to heel
with a rhythm lost
sad
deep
slow

you were the muse
red
red as the goddess you were
bleeding onto the page
every hue of you

tinting the world
with your color
painting images only few could see
your kin

the others
baffled by your madness
swirling
thoughts
fears

but yet

you were the muse
that would change the world




Happy Birthday Sylvia...
10/27/12

She

She is not Spring

                New, blossoming, welcoming

She is not Summer

                Warm, inviting, healing

She is not Fall

                Multi-colored, fiery, golden

 

She is Winter

                Pale, cold, harsh

Bitter against your skin

Lifeless skies & dark clouds covering the sun

Barren fields & shivering corners of damp earth

 

She is the empty echoes of yesterdays lost

10/26/12

Cold Days Coming

Storm brewing - rising winds, shallow breaths
against a harsh knowing
it rises
crashes
clashing with the season that wants to be green
new
innocent
still -

Deepening shadows - falling embers, heavy heart
the reality
it sinks
slashes
slashing at the ribbons of the dreamer's dream
hope
empty
still -

Haiku Blue

The blue deep of you

haiku blowing strong and fast

Against Fall currents

 

Cutting frigid waves

To drag you under the leaves

Rotting away blues

 

Ice-packed memories

Tainted by the blue Winter

They Fall through the cracks

Refuge Lost

there was this time

---- this space

i once occupied

where i could go

---- to find

me

everything is backwards

---- forwards

fast, instant, go go go

and somewhere in that

---- i am hiding

feeling like inertia binds me

flat

against myself

against a new life

there are no mountaintops

---- to scream from

no caves in which to seek refuge

from the pull of reality

just a tiny raft

built by a dream, a wish, a hope

flung into a turbulent sea...

Always

I have chosen

the wisest path

to walk away from your vile

venom

poison

darts

spraying freely from your mouth

as always

your words plucked so quickly

from the book of your anger

thrown about without care

as always

pointed like arrows

like airplanes

paper

targeted at me

yet you are blameless

as always

and we dance in the fire

of your narcissistic flames

where you hold the match

to the kindling

under my feet

as always

I am walking away

quietly

from your head ache

your loudness

your screaming disrespect

and you can go back to being

the victim once again

as always

Down the rabbit hole we go...

...and so she leaned

a little too far

head tilted just a tad to the left

with a question mark poised over her wondering brow

"What is in there... how far can I go?", she wondered

and stretched out a little farther

until

ultimately

she fell

down

down

deep

into the rabbit hole

poor dear

such a dolt

that one

to not have seen that coming

one would have thought

with eyes so clear

and mind so tight

the girl would have more clarity than that

ah, but alas

she again proved to be the flailing

wailing

wagging

lass of mess

tossing about into the abyss of madness

all because of her daunting curiosity

her stupidity

her dreams of betterness

getting the better of herness

now didn't it

creating this wonderful

messiness

in her cranial massiness

oaf

to trip

upon her own decisions that way

ah how we can laugh at her from the sidelines

with our teacups and biscuits

safely tucked away at the sidelines

in our secure buckled-in strapped-up locked-tight fettered placements

aren't we the winners

HA HA here we laugh

take nibbles of our sweet biscuits

take small sips of our noon teas

ignore the pleas from the hole

do not protest that it is her shouting for help

tis not she

she does not need anyone

as she is needless of helpers as helpers are helpless to help her

sip sip sup sup

yep

good

good on ya

there

goes down well yes

blinders work so well when they are used just right

there is no girl

clawing

digging

grasping to drag back up from this dark place she has become befallen to

we are sure she must like it there

she has been there so very long now

throw her a few of your biscuit crumbs

poor child

she must be hungry from all of that thrashing about and sniveling

she is really becoming quite the snottery

can't we just fill the hole

and be on our way then

back to our lives

with the whole matter done

the world would not stop rotating without this odd female

who thought it wise to try to change her perspectives and leaned too far into the world

now we must all suffer her folly

we say nay

shut her out and fill the hole

let her be and all will quiet in the rabbits burrow we say

now

pass the tea

Not so much

It never shifts

not so much

push or pull

pray or fight

it stays

as it has been

will be

laughs at you

your constant attempts

at nothingness

all the while

nothing shifts

stays the same

mind frame

change

doesn't matter

same

same

and it's

not so much

open door

shut

shut

slammed

bang

done

who gives a fuck

laugh

there's no one there

same

slam

same

bang

fool

karma

joke

slave

slave

live it

eat it

your plate of shit

is full

she laughs

the same

as always

years

laughs

eat it

love it

same

it never shifts

not so much

some got it

some don't

when you gonna learn

you ain't got it

not so much...

Earth Cycle Links

Into every life
we all must pass
one unto another
for a season
reason
a tale to tell
or a shoulder in which to provide a lean
we are all a purpose within ourselves
but for one another

This is my earth cycle
every year
this time
my loss
comes forward
touching forehead to forehead
with me
tears rolling
always bringing me around
to some kin
some soul
who also is on this same path
linking
lost and grieving

I fear this time of year
yet look forward to it as well
waiting to meet that new kindred
hoping that maybe I can make a small difference
a small smile
in a big hole left in someone's life
provide a gentle word
something
anything
that says it's going to be OK
that...
we'll make it through another year
whether we want to or not

I only hope the energy we spend on our sorrows
somehow equals the energy of our loved ones
still flowing around us
if so
we are truly
surrounded
by bliss
we should remember often
(but often forget)
to close our eyes
smile
and let that energy
go to the core of our being...
where it belongs.

The old days

I know I should care about you
good of health
happy of spirit

but
I don't

you're neither of these things
ever

sour

the victim
always

while you watch life
go
out of the eyes
of others
and blame
them
for your life

you never cared
for another person
not once
even yourself

defensive
angry
bitter

and still
somehow
I maintained this 'bond'
with you

I was owned.
I AM owned.

I don't care about you
anymore
or your lies
your 'heart aches'
your 'poverty'
... your lies
again

It is sad
I once called you
friend

This is for you...

This is for you
because
you need it
soft
quiet

peace

you need the vibration
of sweet memories
to help lull
the demons
that shake you awake

you need the kisses
of lost yesterdays
to remind you
that life can be good
can be full
can be
again

you need gentle touches
caressing the sadness
from a soul
searching

you need light
in the dark
that follows you
in the day

you need love
warm
responsive
familiar

you need me
a friend always
to remind you
that
I need you too...
and that's ok.

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being.
His heart withers if it does not answer another heart.
His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts
and finds no other inspiration.
- Pearl S. Buck

Hilarity of reality

Life is funny
funny bad
funny good

you see
there are these things
that happen
that make you just have
to laugh
to avoid
the cries
not so funny

why are people fake
liars
tongues darted
poisoned lies

call me
don't call me
I want to talk
I don't want to talk
see me
see right through me

Hilarity

that's all it is
a reality
stoked with the coals
of a sick hilarity

you walk your walk
and I will walk mine
alone
without you
joker

I'm done
trying
for nothing
nothing
at all
no crumbs even
thanks
for nothing

not worth the time
the effort
the energy

it's no wonder
your life is
a little less
full

you're
funny
you figure out which
kind


8-30-11

Lost and Found

years
is what it's been
wanting
waiting
praying
hoping

lost friend

and it came
the sweet rain
that washed away
the cobwebs
of the past

revealing you

revealing something new
again
something wonderful
something whole

a gentle whisper
of the past
as it warms my heart
as it beats
to the tune
of the memories

of our friendship

I will not
be so quick
to let you fade
not this time
not ever again

my returned friend

Yep...

The Blue Muse...

How Can You?

How can you miss someone you do not know
to follow their voice through the light blue glow
Imagine their smile
reflecting from yours
talking for a minute
wishing for hours
How can you miss someone you do not see
to follow their voice into the deep blue sea
Imagine their eyes
as they wake in the morn
to see into forever
where the earth was born...

FYI

The dates of publication do not match with the dates of creation for these works.
Unless the date is marked in the title, assume the dating is only for publication.
:)

Little Girl Lost

These walls

White
When I first saw them

Thinking

How nice, pristine
Clean

A place to make you safe again

Now you

Dead and blue

This was not supposed to be your tomb

No

This is not where your life was to be stored

Drawered
Labeled
Tabled
Stitched and Defined

There are no records here

Of smiles
Laughter
Hand to hold when the world seemed amiss

And I can do nothing – nothing

But stand there
Slack-jawed

Mountains of oceans pouring from my eyes

Screaming no, in my mind
Out of my mouth

Over and over

Do-over

Bring you back

To

Mommy’s womb

Sierra Oscar Sierra

falling hopes
sliding
along
the blood red line

===
brain waves
splashing
against logic
fighting
self against self
knowing i cannot
do what i long to do
knowing the hole is too big

- - -  
it all leaves behind
and yet
the edge smiles
up to me
yawning sweetly
urging me over
i've lost my hold
no guardrails here
alone
staring into the abyss
of who i am
am not
a gentle step
forward

===
over

venez m'aider

Tango Hotel Echo
Echo November Delta

empty

sometimes
there is this ache
this warm spot
where you should be
gone cold
like your hands
when they touch my skin
an ache
trigger switch
to a deeper dark
shadows in my tears
flowing quietly
silently
as I wonder
where you are
if you are thinking of me
if you ever ache this deep
that it hurts to breathe

to me
solitude is
mostly pain

[what] do you see?

what do you know
what do you see
you don't even look
at all the pieces of me
there is so much more
that you'll need to see
there's this thing
that lives under my skin
that eats at me
forever reminding me I'm damaged
that I can't be loved forever
once you see all of me
blinders off
you'll see the ugly in me
maybe

there's more to me
than just the title
to my autobiography

i wonder

water
if given good thoughts
is theorized to react
with water crystals
that are beautiful and perfect

i wonder
what happened today
to the water
as i lay in the tub
and shed tears into it

realkinz...

i am Sylvia Plath
praying for a new oven
wondering why
girls like me
have no true salvation

knowing
i've forgotten
what i thought i knew

my body
betrays me
unending pain
in my mind
my heart

bake my thoughts
in a warm shelter
until they
melt

i've cried
all day today
thinking
about myself
and why i am here
at all

i pray
the way
of the Plath...

Spin Cycle

Starts over begins again
nowhere to go
except back
to where we started
where we parted
because the words
they soothe
they kill
that certain part of me
that wants to live
that wants to breathe
and you can't let go
of all you've known
why can't you see
how you tear at me
rip apart
my very soul
can't let me love you
can't let me in
starts over
begins again

fine
so you leave me hanging
you have nothing left to say
put it all off on me
i wont deal with yesterday
today
you gotta give something back
before i lose it all
gotta hold my hand
before i fall

or you've just become
like everyone
where i've become
invisible

and i have no hand to hold
no hand at all

im nothing again
lil miss invisible

no more to you
no more to see

give it all
then take it from me

its ok
id like to say
i'll be alright

but i wont commit
to that lie

Sitting @ the bookstore June 1, 2006

this isn't fair
when I think I've got it all
I see it's gone nowhere
it isn't right
to just create a fight
where there is nothing
just raw nerves
all open and bare
just a wounded heart
just needs you to care
you jump the gun
thought you were the one
maybe I was wrong
been there before
maybe if I just gave some more
now I'm cut - bleeding inside
feel like something inside me has died
don't want to explore
just want to cry some more
this isn't just pain
it's a certain kind of death
of a deeper part of me
of all that was left
can't get outside to stop the bleed
you were all of me
all I need.

"Untitled Poem #2"

There is the you
I see
That is so deep
So beautiful
So complete

I can see for miles
Into our future
In your sweet eyes

I know I am safe
When you are holding my hand
Leading me forever
To where my soul
Has always longed to go

I know there is nothing
I would rather do
Than steal your soft kisses
Warm and wet
Lips full
Skin flush
With just the thought
Of the smallest touch from you
Heart quietly pounding
Pulse on overdrive
From your breath on my neck

My heart tells me
I have truly met my other half
The one who will complete me
The one who will love me
Completely
Totally
Eternally

I am yours
Today
Tomorrow
Forever and a day.

"Only You"

You do not know
How much I long to be
A permanent part of you
And your life

How my soul aches when I
Cannot hear your voice
Feel your touch
See your smile

You will see in time
How deeply you can be loved
How important you are to me
How truly beautiful you are

No one has ever touched
This tender place in me
The way you have
So gently, kindly, lovingly

Needing me
As I need you
Wanting me
As I want you

Loving me
As I love you...

Reading You

You are the written words
by which I live

I want to read you into forever
until I have memorized every line
every verse, every page

I want to read you like braille
feeling your words beneath my fingertips

reciting you over and over
until I know you by heart

I close my eyes
and inhale
the scent of your well read pages
breathing deeply again and again
all of you

I can feel your heartbeat
in the vellum that is your life
vibrating lightly
in rhythm to my need

You are the rare book
I handle gently
protecting you forever
from those who do not appreciate
such beautiful art

You are my guide
my map
my bible

My autobiography...

Should be just another normal day
Should be a life I want to live

But the emptiness
Of one more "normal" day
Is less than I want

I want sunsets and rainbows
And laughing so hard it hurts
I want wine flavored kisses
And wearing his old t-shirt
I want cuddling on the couch
Because it's raining outside
I want whispers in the dark
I want long country rides

I just want someone to tell me
It's out there
That it's not just a dream

That someone will hold my hand
Really know me
Really see
Who will tell me
They're the one for me...

Addicted to Fantasy

(This is really an unedited version of this "poem"... haven't really worked to refine it much, since to me it all looks like toilet paper...)

I wonder if you know
about the days I sit and write about you
trying so hard
to make my ink into your flesh
something to lay my hands upon
something warm and full
the
All of you
I probably would never see
not in any lifetime
that somehow
It was me
You picked out
to add to your collection
and now the dust collects upon my brow
as you continue to shop for more
forgetting you ever selected me at all
and so I write you into my life
to somehow inject you into my veins
with the bitter black ink of my pen
I crave you and your heat
those things you want so bad
that I blush just to give you
Along with that thrill
that rides me along on a trip
into you
and your world
And I never even knew who you were
who you are
who you wanted to be
You just faded out on me
like the words on this page will do one day
I couldn't make you real...

I am
the boat
unmoored
taken gently
into the ocean
waves rocking
lightly
with desire
tip me over
inside out
licking
lapping
at my hull

relax
pray
to not drown...

The Song You Sing

I want to be the song you sing
the world listening to your voice
carrying the harmony of me

I want our tune
to hum along with
the breath of the earth
Sounding deep and rich
soothing the uncertainties
of our infant union

I want to be the song you sing
each inflection
a higher note of your love for me
a beautiful ballad
carried on the wind
of our tomorrows

...a forever resonance
upon which I can rest my heart.

Cancer

under the microscope
look closely
there is a piece that isn't right
something that doesn't belong
something dark and dangerous

it is sucking away the good in you
it is not who you are
making you scream in pain
for the tomorrow that may not come
as it spreads

sitting in the darkness
wondering what you will do
with the emptiness
and it is chewing away your being
with every tear that drops

there is this dark matter
unexplainable
biopsy it - identify it - cut it out
it grows rampant
not caring who you are
what you want

some things are better left unsaid
for they have no real rhyme anyway
silence in the pit of those unknowns
and if the darkness took you tomorrow
could you say you went very far;

were you anything
to anyone
were you something special
were you the one
did you make them laugh
or make them cry
did they know
or did you lie
will there be stories to tell
or a lot of unknowns
did your children love you
or were you alone
who would notice
ten years from now
that empty spot
that once was yours...

nothing fucking matters
it all fades away
if you give me a minute
an hour or a day

everything's transparent
can see it through and through
no road will follow my want
to be with you

so take it piece by piece
and pray nothing falls apart
knowing it was nothing
from the very start

i never got the life
the one i wanted for so long
and nothing ever came of
wanting to belong

so fuck it
doesn't matter
what i say or what i do
there's no figuring it out
as we go along
cuz theres only lies
mixed in with truth

i dont want to feel this way
not knowing where i am each day
not caring about anything but you
not wanting empty but full

and theres no goddamn reason
why i wouldnt be good enough
theres no wondering with me
i always would fill your cup
i always would tend your needs
and take from me to give to you

fuck
theres no me
without you

Safe in you...

[yes, I realize this is... very unedited... needs some work...but...]




Like the wind you caressed me with your hug
Surrounding me safely as if I were a nest in a bough

And I can only truly show you my faith in you
With these words
With my poems
I can expose myself so much easier here
Among these beautiful letters and lesser used punctuations
In our world of spoken words
I can only hide
Afraid of what you might hear
Of what you might think
That you would think me foolish
For my words

But here
I am safe
Like I feel in your arms
Like I feel as your soft hand moves slowly down my cheek
Like I feel lost in a kiss as you hold me like the wind

inside
outside
i am invisible to you
most of the time

i get small pieces of you
and am expected
to bow grateful
for my small crumbs

like it
or get nothing -
how about that
stupid little girl

i feel so tiny
unimportant
until you are flesh
in front of me
then it all changes

i live confused
to the clash
of when you're gone
and i become invisible
again

so different
so very different

there are things
you could show me
but you wont
cant be weak
no
never cry
never feel
never
be real

i feel alone
in this

do you care?

lyrics by: Ben Harper, "Gold To Me"

you look like gold to me
and i'm not too blind to see
you look like gold

you make me wanna sing
with all the joy you bring
you look like gold

like the rays down from the sun
when a new day has just begun
you look like gold

i've been fooled before
but now i know
i've made the mistake in the past
but now i know the difference
from gold and brass

not the kind of gold you wear
but the kind that can feel my care
you look like gold

some shine when the day is new
but fade when the day is through
but you look like gold

i've been wrong before
but now i know
i've made mistakes in the past
but now i know the difference
from gold and brass

you look like gold to me
and i'm down on bending knees
you look like gold
and i just want you to know
to me you mean so much more
than all the gold
you look like gold

I can almost imagine
your soft hand in mine
as we dare to face those obstacles
we created for ourselves
--- with our fears
----- self-imposed walls

I can almost imagine
listening to your voice
as you confess your life
exposing too much of yourself
--- leaving you vunerable
----- and raw

I can almost imagine
drying your tears
as you hurt and fight
--- against the life you've learned
----- and now must abandon to be free

I can almost imagine
you and I
--- are one
----- same voice, same heart

same imaginings of new beginnings

there's always that one thing
that little something
- that isn't so little
it makes me
not quite right
not quite acceptable
not quite correct
Who I am
who I want to be
never the same thing

Introspection
leads to
self-destruction

Repairs and restorations
of the broken parts of me

And I lean against nothing
freefall into shambles
can't catch myself

falling
cut and bleeding inside

wishing I were someone else
something else

something delicate
and beautiful
something worth tending

the reality burns
at the corners of my eyes
reminding me why I am alone
why I am who I am

I cry I bleed
I feel I need
I see I know
I cry to be a different me

golden-haired
with those bright bright eyes
i wonder what you would do to me
if there would be pain and lies
i wonder if your lips would taste
as good as i dreamed
i wonder if life would be right
as simple
as clean
your mind keeps me spinning
day after day
and every day that passes
i swear i won't call you
then i have to just say "hey"

who are you
to even affect me
why do i let it go
why don't i just stop it
before we've dug a hole
for eachother

...

(untitled) more toilet paper... please excuse, it's unedited.

Who can I be
who do I hope to see
what will I find
some piece of my mind
fractions of what once was
excuses of 'because'
why why
no answers are found
my "used to be's"
lay barren on the ground
can't you see
it's all my "once was me's"
it's who I want
who I am
Sister-mother-lover-friend
life is gone
gone
and why
the tears come out dry
it's like my soul
knows what I've done
sees the good in me
is gone
and why
can't I stand alone
two feet down
and empty hands
heart open
eyes shut wide
this emptiness I
can't abide
why
do I settle
for something less
always
knowing I've missed
the rest
forever
answering to others
sister-friend-lover-mother
Mother
why
deep inside
soul-hole
bleeding for respite
never whole
why can't I
stand whole

Shadow of hue

In the dark
you seem almost real
almost whole

Skin silhouetted
against the moon glow

Soft and sweet
the smell of you
Sinking into me like
the soothing warmth

of sunshine

Almost healing my wounds
almost touching my
dark places
where no-one cares to go

And I find those salty
reminders
of who you are
threatening to fall from the
corners of your
Beautiful eyes
and my soul aches

Wanting so badly to make you whole
to make your soul shine
to lick those tears from your heart

But

I know I am nothing to you
that I am so much smaller
than the ring you quietly
slipped from your finger
hoping I wouldn't notice

And I knew then
my true smallness
I could then feel your wholeness
as you lay
Soul bared
in the darkeness of our moment

With your life
vibrating beneath my fingertips
Telling your whole story

Whispering it to my soul...

Word wars

We try to scream our pain away
hoping to someday
play
like adults
big kids
minus the big words
loud words
words like arrows
we shoot haphazardly
at one another
praying for a mark

praying for a miss

and I drive away
trying to scream this pain away

Artificial Life

You're not real

like me

with your sweet fake smiles
and false hello's
the way you stare
as if you expect me
to go Loco again
Scream, Smash, Slash

And I never even touched one of you
or toyed with any of your precious 'validators'

I knew I could never touch
you
with my words
they would be gravel
ground up by your heels
as they come from my heart
through my mouth

with your footprints brightly
tattooed on my bloody tongue -
your cold warming hugs
would squeeze the okayness out of me
cutting off my real air
my life-lines
all the things that make me real

I picture you
snake-like
slithering
up
up
up to my mind
where you hope to find
something dark and disturbing
to condemn me for
you need your judgements of me
to try to make yourself more real
to make me less real
to make me less
to make me
real like you.

To "Unbe" me

Doesn’t matter
That I feel
That I breathe
That somehow I am human
Thinking
Seeing
Touching nothing

Who are you
To lessen me
Vocally
Like I am not there
To feel it
Hear it
Know what is
Playing inside your head

Those words
Lack of
And I sit and wait
For a pulse
To follow along to
To hum in tune with
To feel on my skin

And so I fade out
Blending into the wall
Wishing I could disappear
Redo it all
Make it all unknown

Somehow ‘unbe’ me

The Day I Drowned

I slowly drift

floating back and forth

on the waves of your forever

I welcome the drowning

salt-water burning my lungs

with the tears staining your shore

and your hands become seaweed

luring me

holding me under

watching me struggle for air.

I am now a true part of it -

the sea

and the beautiful life in the reefs.

Den of Iniquity

Misrepresented dreams
unfulfilled hopes
desires
unexpected encounters
lost cities of gold
forbidden prayers to
an unsuspecting God.
Sparkles of light in eyes
not meant for you to see
softness
beyond belief
sins of the heart
the lions den
being eaten alive
over and over
not caring about the pain
just wishing for the
fulfillment of
secret longings
Samson on Delilah’s lap
trusting her caresses
as her lust removes his strengths.
His arms could not
hold her down
long enough
to tame her.

Waiting

I think I've spent half my life
waiting on this train
slowly walking the tracks
shielding my eyes
from the blinding
glare of the burning sun -
so afraid
I would miss this ride
to where?
I never knew.
At times I thought I did
but I was always wrong
I was always on the wrong track
-waiting at the wrong terminal
while my ride went somewhere else
showing tourists sights to passengers
that weren't me
They hadn't a clue I actually cared
about the sights they were seeing -
While they covered their eyes in boredom
I was sitting waiting for this train
covering my own eyes -
from the blinding sun...

Who

There is this sinking something
deep inside of me
always holding back
the who I want to be
constant changes
rearranges
it never fails
as I always fail
Flail
still ever sinking
drowning in my doubts
feeling empty
without

and it's all a part of the who
that I've become
the who
I don't know
don't want to know anymore
need to move forward

but the boxes of my who
are forever blocking the door...

Something blue...

It isn't right
what I feel inside
Can't make this pain
Go away
Hurts so deep
Can't let go
So the tears
Just seem
to overflow

Why couldn't it be me
And my life
Why couldn't it have
Been alright
Who will stop this shaking
In my soul
Who will remind me
That I can be whole

Why did you have to look at me
Feel my needs
Go inside
Too deep in me
Rip away
What I wrapped up tight
then you had to see me
Every night

And I can't let go
I have to know
Will it grow
To something new
Something true
Or will it stay
Something blue...

Exit Wounds

I will find a way
to say good-bye
that doesn't leave you
wondering, wandering
as if it were all your fault
I will not leave you
to own
what is mine
what has always
been mine
the bigness
of what was wrong
with me
always my fatal flaw
the thing in me
that kept me
friendless
empty
and eternally 'home'less
I loved you always
you know
it was me that I hated
me I planned and plotted
against
That darkness in me
that no-one ever tried to lighten
It is the me
that I owned.

(untitled)

You say the wall you built against me is broken
and there are all these things still left unspoken
But, I know you
You'll just leave me once again choking
on all the pieces of me you've carelessly broken...

Just walked away -

I can't believe
it's so easy to let it go

How you never fought
to keep it so

And you claim to love
what I have inside

But you show
what you cannot hide

In your want to leave
to go and be free

(You took it all from me)

When nothing is left
except a hole
Where my heart used to be

True kin

My other
Skin of my skin

Brother
Mother
Sister
Son

My Sun
Healing heart

Soothing
Salving
Singing

Song of my soul
Music of the muse

Whispering
Breathing
Exhaling

Words
Rhythms
Rhymes

Canvas Redressed

One long look
and there's nothing left to see
broken pieces
of a forever part of me
painted over masterpiece
of who I once was
brush strokes covering
my once known cause
and I struggled on
in spite of it
trying to see
if I could make it all fit
scared to uncover
discover
life on my own
forever hearing
critiques from the "artist unknown".

Sleep it off

Green green eyes
hiding
behind
Panes and Pains

Soft hands
touching
Feels like rain

Deep deep wounds
will nothing heal
trying to convince myself
That none of this is real

Sweet smell
of showered skin
trying to find what was once
My Kin

Sleep sleep it off
maybe it's a dream
maybe it's not all
As bad as it seems...

Broken

Nothing fills this gaping hole inside my soul
And you would think something would
Something real
Something unreal

It all fades
As quickly as a buzz
And no-one is there at the end of the day
Wondering what goes through
"that pretty little head of yours"
No-one stares
Into my eyes
The fear of the emptiness
Creates diversions

They can't face it
I don't either

I just fall into that gaping madness
Quietly
Not wanting to fight.

Broken Mirror

Standing at the crossroads
Which way do you go
Follow the only light
With the dark red glow
So many hands
Reaching out for me
Trying to pull my life
Gonna make me free
Empty words
Promises galore
Sought it all
Bought it all
Seeking more
You're not the king
In my fucked up little world
I'm not the perfect beauty
Your ideal girl
Who knows where I'll be
Ten years from now
Still be a mule
Pulling the governments plow
You whisper your secrets
As if I don't already know
And I wake up screaming
In the light of the dark red glow.

Invisibility

...and somehow if I could manage it
I would be small
Smaller
Smallest

Leaking into the cracks
Small that I am

Invisible
As unknown as I am known now

Totally uneventful

My life.

His Song

There's that song you played
I thought I knew
You
Humming
Singing

Or something

It woke me up
With this smile - it seemed
Inside

Not noticing the heartache
You have
I gave
To you

And now come my "sorry's"
My own inside outside - looking in
And I am sorry

To you
For you
For us

For the loss of all of the
What-might-have-beens

I have done the "done is done"
To you
And all of us

And here is my sorrow

I watched your soft hands play
The next morning

Not knowing
It was a song meant to expel me

To lose me

To vent me out

I didn't know
I am sorry
I interrupted

Your rhythm
Your rhyme
My expulsion

And for some reason today

I loved you a lot
Deeply
Warmly
Sincerely

And I didn't know

I was already gone
Becoming a faded "who was that"
In your minds eye
In your heart

I wish I could write it off as
Me
Stupid

But
I can't

It's just me - like you said
Who I am
Nothing good
Empty liar

I wish for good

I was warm today I thought
Couldn't seem to get close enough
To you
Touch you enough
As if my hands are invisible now

Stingers
Nothing

And you're never my good poetry
My sweet things
Which
I never write anyway
It seems

But - today you are
Were
Are

It felt so free to be with you today
So... much like
Home
A homeness

Now a homeless emptiness
That I guess I wasn't truly
Prepared for

But deserved all the same

Poor me

I'll cry myself a river later
Today I'll drown in the lake
Of our today

It was nice
Floating
With the sun
And breeze

I don't mind drowning
In that small memory

Maybe it will create more
Like air bubbles escaping
In my last breath of it

More little ones will surface
Just in time
For me to realize I have
Done it

Done is done
I've drown in it
Completely

Until there is nothing
Left to breathe

I close my eyes
And kiss that soft warm spot
On the back of your neck

And quietly
Drift...

I love you.